In breaking news, the Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City and Servant of the Servants of God has announced his resignation from the positions. Also known as Pope Benedict XVI (real name Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger) he will become the first pope since 1294 to resign voluntarily when he does so at 8am on 28 February 2013. Despite
original reports that he was resigning to work as a marketing director for Satan, it can now be confirmed that he will retire to the Collegiate Church of St. Thomas of Villanova in Italy.
German-born, the future pope was conscripted into the Hitler Youth during the War before joining the Church in 1945. In 1981 he was appointed to a position in the Vatican City and became one of Pope John Paul II’s closest confidents. He was elected Pope on 19 April 2009 following John Paul’s death.
Regarded as a traditionalist or fundamentalist, Benedict has suffered deteriorating health and reportedly has trouble walking. He was recently advised by doctors to avoid long flights.
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| Pope Benedict XVI checking out his favourite blog; Dinosaurs and Dandelions. |
The election of a new pope is done by Jesus Christ himself. Prior to this, a Papal Conclave consisting of all of the Cardinals under 80 years of age convenes to make a recommendation. There are currently estimated to be 118 eligible Cardinals, of which
ten are talked about as frontrunners for the position. The Cardinals are all locked into the Sistine Chapel until they can decide on a candidate. After each election, and they may vote continuously until someone “wins”, the ballots are burned. Dark smoke signals to the world that the election didn’t have a winner while White smoke signals that a new pope has been elected. Benedict himself was elected under rules requiring only a simple majority (50%+1)
however now a supermajority (75%) is required. This means that this years conclave could be a long one, potentially frustrating the Church’s wish to have a new Pope elected in time for Easter.
