Ask Allan... July Edition

Welcome to July's edition of your favorite monthly Q&A. Before we start, many of you have been asking where you can purchase the yellow leather hat shown in the banner above. Unfortunately this is not for sale as I only have one and I need it every second Thursday. If you would like to enquire about purchasing any other items of clothing, please see the contact details at the end of this blog entry. Now.. down to business...

Dear Allan, 

My car makes a sloshing sound when I come to a stop. What should I do? #AskAllan

Krystle @ Bush & Beach

Dear Krystle @ Bush & Beach

Your car may be carrying too much petrol, which could be overflowing and gathering in the crevices of the car's structure. I recommend soaking an old rag in petrol, opening the fuel filler cap, place the soaked rag in the fuel filler hole and then light the rag with a match. This will get rid of that pesky surplus petrol and the sloshing sounds! :-)

Thanks for writing in to 'Ask Allan...'

p.s. stand back

Allan 

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Why do they make Ribena packages so that the only way to open them involves sticking your finger into the Ribena?

- Stephen Merriman

Hi Stephen, thanks for your thought-provoking question. 

After conducting extensive research and testing, I have come to the following conclusion: You're doing it wrong. 

Thanks

Allan

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Dear Allan,
My husband has recently acquired a man scarf to protect him from the chilly winter weather. He is struggling to find the best and most masculine way to wear his scarf and I was wondering if you would be able to provide some advise in regards to this as it seems that you are very fashion-conscious (judging by the picture provided on this blog). Please help!
Mrs K M Martin

Dear Mrs Martin, 

Thank you for your question which I have no doubt has embarrassed your husband greatly. From the information you have provided me, and the fact that you expect your husband to wear a scarf, I can only come to the conclusion that you live on the North Shore... somewhere in the Torbay/Browns Bay area perhaps? But that is beside the point... 

When it comes to men wearing scarfs, I find that there is only one best practice, and I would be happy to guide you through it step-by-step (...remember that TV show?).

1. Hold the scarf in both hands so that is it fully-extended.. hehehe
2. Fold the scarf in half, and then fold in half again so that it is approx 1/4 the original length
3. Ask your husband to stand with both arms extended in front of him, palms down
4. Flush the scarf down the toilet.

Thanks for writing in! :-)

Allan

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Dear Allan,
There's this girl. Every time I see her she starts kissing my neck and partially undressing. How do I tell if she likes me or not?
Yours,
Mr B. Lind

Thank you for your question Mr B. Lind.

I cannot be sure, however if she has not actually told you that she likes you, then I would predict that you are not paying her enough money. Next time she is undressing, try slipping her another $50 while asking "Do you like me?".... I am sure this would provide a favorable result for you. 

To provide additional support with your problem, I am more than happy to help by coming to observe this next time and providing a demonstration if needed. 

Allan

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Dear Allan

As co-editor-in-chief I demand to know how you got access to Dinosaurs and Dandelions and who authorised this whole 'Ask Allan' nonsense! You can't just stroll in here like you own the place and start writing your own bits! This is an outrage! Matthew is on the phone to our head of security as I type this and you should expect to recieve a letter from our lawyers in th every near future regarding this breach!

While I'm here though, I am co-editor-in-chief of a blog, for pirvacy reasons lets call it.. "Jigsaws and Sealions"... and there is this other co-editor-in-chief who is always picking on me and calling me names. How can I make him stop and understand how his actions make me feel?

Keep up the good work
From Pez.

Dear Pez, 

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately it would be inappropriate for me to comment on the aleged "breach" you outlined in early in your letter, as my solicitor is currently drawing up a suitable response, which I can assure you will include some sort of defamation claim. However, I can say, it is great to be part of the team and working with you Pez.

In regards to the second part of your letter, I do want to help you while protecting your privacy.. or what you seem to call 'pirvacy'. Thinking back to my days as a Peer Mediator whilst I attended Primary School, a technique comes to mind which you may find helpful... I would start by having a conversation with this co-editor where you begin by making "I feel..." statements. This way Matthew he may better understand how his actions make you feel. If this does not work, then I recommend a swift knee to the crotch or a prank resulting him in spending a night in prison... I'll leave the details up to you ;-)

I hope this helps

Allan

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Well people, that brings to a close July's edition of 'Ask Allan...' and I cannot thank you enough for your input via your questions. I'm sorry I couldn't get around to responding to everyone's questions... they just weren't good enough. However they will be filed away in preparation for the Wildcard Round.

As always, I leave you with a powerful quote for you to ponder in the days ahead:

"Its t-shirt tiiiiiiiiiime"
Vinny, Pauley, Mikey and Ron

And if you were wondering if it was Christmas yet, here is a website you may find helpful:

www.isitchristmas.com

Please do keep your questions coming, no matter how trivial or outrageous you think they are. You can send them by submitting them on Facebook, Twitter or emailing dinosaursanddandelions@hotmail.com.