Lets be honest, any mom[no, I am not American, that is just how I spell it, and have done for many years.
Deal with it.] who says she "doesn't want anything" for Mothers day, is a Liar. And as much as she
appreciates the thought you put in, she actually does not want your sorry excuse for some hand made arts and crafty piece of shit gift you made out of glitter, pipe cleaners and coloured card. [for our 8 year old and under readers, please ignore this and continue with your beautiful works of art] So with Mothers Day
just around the corner, I thought I'd do you all a favour and point you in the right direction when deciding what to get mom on her special day. And lets face it, no one knows your mom, quite like I do.
10.
Breakfast/Lunch/Dinner. This doesn't actually count as a gift, you should just do this anyway 'cause it's nice and you owe her, you ungrateful shits. You don't have to do all
three meals, just pick the one that suits
her best. For example if your mom likes to sleep in, and has bingo that night, make it lunch. Or if she's off to the pub at noon, and won't be home til late, make her breakfast before she goes. Kitchens not your thing? That's fine, just take her somewhere nice to eat, if she ends up with
marmite on toast, or a
McMuffin, then you're doing it wrong.
09.
a Calender. This is really a last resort, especially since we're nearly half way through the year, but if you're really stuck, this is definitely a step up from that homemade nonsense, or a photo of yourself. Just make sure its a decent calender. If it has less than 12 months, or strange holidays you haven't heard of, then you need to keep looking. And make sure it's a calender that your
mom will enjoy, probably something with flowers and/or kittens is what you're after. 'Busty Brunettes', not so much.
08.
Fancy Chocolates. Again, chocolates are a bit of a last resort, and bare in mind that this will not be appropriate for
all moms. If your mom can't eat sugary treats, or you've just never seen her eating chocolate, then move on buddy, number 08 in the list isn't for you, otherwise this could at least be a good idea for something to go with whatever you get her. None of that 'milk tray' rubbish though please, shop around, find some good shit. I said Fancy didn't I?
07.
Floral Pot Plant. Your mom, loves getting bunches of flowers. She really does. But still, she secretly wishes you hadn't wasted your money on some dead plant cuttings that will wilt and drop petals all over her carpet. A nice floral pot plant though, perfect! If you know your moms favourite colour, that's even better! Just make sure you find a plant that's easy to keep alive though, if there's one thing your mom doesn't need, its some needy little shrub, that she has to feed and water and tend to all the damn time. She had enough of that shit from you.
06.
a CD. When it comes to
CDs, there are three main types of moms.
Ronan Keating moms, Celine Dion moms, and Best Of moms. Occasionally you get some obscure mom though like an
Eminem mom, or a Glam Metal mom, but hopefully after all this time, you have figured out exactly where your mom fits into these categories and can pick the appropriate CD. If in doubt, try a different number on the list. DVDs could also be an option for some moms too!
05.
a Book. Books are tricky. Most moms love a good book, but this option will require more research than just about any other gift. For this to make a successful gift, you will need to find out important things like does she like fiction or non-fiction books, then who her favourite author is, or whether she likes cooking or gardening books, and so on. If you have done your research right, there is also a good chance she already
has the book, so be sure to check before you buy it. Bonus points if you find some old and/or obscure book she wants and have to order it online, moms love that shit.
04.
Liquor. Your mom has put up with a lot of shit from you. All the
hissy fits. All the money. All the time and energy. And then just when she thinks you're at the age where she can relax a bit, you introduce her to your new boyfriend. The one with all the tattoos and piercings. So do your mom a favour, buy her a nice expensive bottle of liquor. She could use a drink or two, and if you buy her something a bit posh, she won't feel like a drunk. Heck, buy her a couple of bottles.
03.
Magazine Subscription. Ah, finally top 3 material. This is kind of like an upgraded version of the book idea, you'll need to do a little research but if you do it right, she'll be ever so pleased. The reason this is so much better than a book, is 'cause she doesn't just get one present that she'll read once and put on the coffee table, she gets a nice surprise, then in a way, another present each month. Or week. Or 4-times-bi-post-annually. However often it comes, she'll love that shit.
02.
Vouchers. I don't mean some voucher you printed out on your computer that entitles your mom to free dishwasher loading for a month or lame shit like that. I mean a real voucher, that you had to go to a store to get, and pay good money for. I know you have probably heard a lot of crap about vouchers and how impersonal they are and that is all true. But you will be pleased to know that your mom actually does not think this. She will in fact, love the fact that
you spent your hard earned cash on something that is not a piece of useless trash she will seldom use, 'cause well, that's just how moms think. You know what your mom likes, if you don't, then ask someone who does know[a sibling who is a much better son or daughter than you, for example], and then shop for the voucher accordingly. This may be a voucher at their favourite shoe store or to get their hair did somewhere, I would personally try to avoid a warehouse voucher or something of that nature, but I dunno, that might be up right your moms ally.
01.
the Winning Lotto Ticket. I think this one is pretty self explanatory. Please note: if you cannot
guarantee it is a winning ticket, then you may want to just stick with a different number from the Top10 List. And would it hurt you to get her a nice fuckin' card to go with it? Geez.
Unlike me, the Bullfrog has been into space. In 1970 two bullfrogs were launched in the Orbiting Frog Otolith, which is quite simply the best name for a space mission I've ever heard. Far more catchier than Apollo 17 anyway. Turns out Otolith refers to the part of your ear that is sensitive to gravity and the sick bastards in NASA were going to spin the frogs around and around while in space to see what happens. Sadly a nice patch wasn't designed for this mission, wouldn't the little frogs look so cute with little shoulder patches?
